Visitors So Far
Fiction
The JonnyWorld Silly Story 2005/2006
By JonnyWorld
Once upon a time there was a group of friends. some with dreadlocks and some with ears. they were all talking happily one day when out of nowhere a packet of Fem-Fresh fell out of the sky. Gee picked them up and thought I'll have them they'll freshen me and Noddy up later after we finish touching each other as they always do when they're alone in Billy's lounge. Then Jonny walked in and said "Anyone for Pretzels??"
And Noddy said, "oh, er, Jonny, that's really funny cos you know what me and Gee lost our pretzels and we were just looking for them er, honestly. i thought they mite have got stuck, y'know, in there" Then Gee really freaked out and the voices tellin him to burn down schools told him set the couch on fire and get naked. But then he realised he already was naked with Noddy (oops) and Jonny had seen it all. gee went even more insane until Jonny said, its ok i wont tell anyone about you and Noddy if you come to my house and help me find my pretzels and gee said OK.
But Billy flew into a jealous rage like an old Grandma who's lost he knitting needle after a long night of Bingo with 40 quids worth of smack in her arm and 2 cans of special brew up her arse. He then proceeded to shave his self using a lawnmower and some foam from an unmarked jar found in Mrs Hannah's bedroom.
"Shit!!" Mrs Hannah thought she'd kept that jar of badger cum well hidden. She was all freshly shaven and i must say, smelling very sexy around her saggy bits, then off she went to Jonny's house to pick her friend up LucyBell. they then found magical sweeties on the floor and went to a boys house called.
Then Mrs Hannah said "It wasn't me shaving her saggy bits (cos I don't have saggy bits) with badger cum it was granny!!"
So granny and Lucy went to a boys house and found Gee, Noddy, Billy, Jonny and Mental Pete hiding under the table terrified out of their small boys brains. Sexy Granny and Lucy walked in and the Granny asked "Why is this story so dirty?? This is not suitable JonnyWorld Material!" and she smacked everyone round with her handbag which contained a flight to Rio and a lot of money, so off she went with Lucy for a big party...while she was there...can you believe it, she bumped into Richard Whitley.
Lucy said "Oh, you have to introduce me to Carol Vorderman, me and Martin really fancy her.." When lo and behold, Carol appeared at Richards side and said "Today's conundrum is NUCNILSGUNI if you get it you can watch me and twice nightly Whitely an maybe we'll let you join in."
And so Jonny tried to work out
the Conundrum and his brain exploded all over. They soon managed to
escape the evil Doctor Spam and rescue the midgets from the planet
Gogoflaps which is Bollocks in Spanish, where El Bandido and Spanouse
live their little lives. They are so happy living together and sleeping
all cuddled up together in their big cosy bed but one day El Bandido
decided to get naked and set the couch on fire where they burnt to death
and were never seen again.
The kingdom rejoiced and celebrated by having a big party at the snooker
club and everyone ate sweets and drank pop and Slackjaw, Squalbalkus,
Greenday, Avril Lavigne and Britney Spears all played for us but Kris
got too drunk and kicked off with the Pope who was passing by in the
Popemobile on his way to the church near Billy's Mum's house....but
Martin managed to calm him down with a pint, and the pope carried on his
religious crusade through Farnworth...but then Kris got riled up again
when Britney knocked his pint over and threatened to kick 'er 'ed in.
But just as he raised his hand to slap that smacked up bitch! he saw the
Pope waving an almighty cross
with in front of an almighty
techno light. He then decided to have another beer or five and collapse
on a pool table with Jack, who had just had his head shaved by
Kris...Jack woke up and realised this and shaved his eyebrows and drew
on his face. Kris tried to chat up a girl he like but she turned him
down. he then resorted to his violent behaviour and told her to do one
coz she was too fat and had no tits... typical Kris. Then he got a
sparkle in his eye when he turned round and saw jack in his new state.
He kinda reminded him of a manly looking ex he used to have. but Jack
resisted all his charms. so Kris resorted to Humping a pool table and
throwing up all over his Dad who got bored and went after the Pope.
"Oh the bloody pope, he's shit!" said Mrs Hannah. And then everyone burnt Hannah for being a story killing Witch. The Kingdom Rejoiced and SQUALBALKUS almost managed to finish their set, but that dick from Greenday knocked the mic-stand over, moshing like a twat, so it all kicked off again. Anks was about to twat the bloke who knocked down the mic stand but realised it was his idol and twated Martin instead for calling him a dick. That guy from Greenday and Anks headed off to the Ladies toilets for some some Bum-Fun, but on the way. He bumped into Lucy and Hannah getting up to no good. Hannah was cleaning Lucys boots with her underwear whilst a dirty old man watched and paid them a nice £200 each. Anks was shocked at this mayhem and shouted for Billy who then joined in the mayhem, wishing he had thought of the cleaning old mens shoes in female toilets for £200.
Meanwhile back at the flat Gee
and Noddy were smoking and messing up the place as usual, but that all
ended when something very scary happened. The window smashed inwards
with shards of glass flying everywhere as a Zombie Dog with eyes as red
as hellfire burst through. The stench of rotting meat permeated the
Ganja-smoke filled room.
Panicking,
Noddy & Gee woke up, with each others dicks in hand. Well, thats not a
surprise as it has happened before.. but not before long the two were on
the phone to the police..... again! The Police said they couldn't help
though as they had run out of donuts. So they asked Noddy to run down to
the shop to get some. So Noddy got into his red and yellow car but then
he realised that all along he had some special curry flavoured ones in
the fridge from last night when had an unfortunate accident after 8 cans
of special brew when he tried to lift his plate of curry over the donuts
just after finishing them. Then to their amazement a ginger headed
stranger came through the door with Bill.
And martin woke up from a Disturbin Dream. .... with a smile on his face
and his cup of tea in his hand as he reached for the school stationary
mag at the left of his bed of which he has allot of school stationary in
it!!! (The previous paragraph was heavily censored by the evil Judge
Jonny)
The ginger girl dives at Noddy with a knife in her hand screaming "Shut up about my hair!!!!!!", poor girl. Then Noddy was a stupid head and Lucy fell out with him.
Noddy certainly didn’t feel stupid. Rubbing his hands together “Easier than what I thought” he though! And so off he went to look for a bird with real big breasts the size of Everest so he could open an erotic ski resort, just like he always wanted. Noddy searched high and low until he found a raggerty porn magazine on the floor well of course Noddy cant help but be Noddy so he scarpered for a cluster of trees and had his wicked way upon himself ten times in twenty minutes. But when he put his glasses on it was a school stationary magazine and he had a cup of tea in his hand!!!! So he drank his tea, moped up and scrabbled to the top of the left peak to see if he could find a big gorilla made out of Quorn.
By this time Lucys temper was rising, and all the stress started to make her hair fall out.
Meanwhile in a public toilet in
some random internet cafe Mr. Gee was getting excited and had to be
escorted of the premises for soiling the keyboard.
Matthew shouted "TEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE U GINGER TOSSER"
The they woke up in a misty field
afta a GASHgig with no shoes on! Quickly they ran to the nearest
McDonalds where they gorged on burgers and slapped each others writs for
being so demented
Out of nowhere came the ginger girl from the dream who was a bloke like
Hayley from Coronation Street who used to go out with Bernie, who was
his only ever girlfriend and she is made up on top of that bird nest
high in the clouds
"Those were good bergers"
insisted Noddy.
"yes very scrumptous" replied Gee
"now lets go and smoke some crack" suggested Mick and they set of on
there journey to Jenny's house.
"It's Funny Coz Its True!" said Gaz
Hammy appeared from nowhere and
said "Way to ruin the story Gaz"
But then this fantabulous tale of nothingness sprouted out of nowhere again, with a will all of its own to encaptivate every little boy and girl plus Hammy (well he aint little, lol) and elevate us all from the growing boredom of Jonnyworld as its turned into a cess pit of insults once more (thanks Bernie) but then he got banned but couldn't take it so he came back on as a guest and insulted some more (grow up Bernie and take it, its a forum not your cheesing live, or is it?).
"that for now concludes this particular chapter of the tale, hmmm wonder what happens next?????" said Jay
"I'm doing fine now, without you Jaaaaayyyyy" said Bernie. Then the Power Rangers arrived at the scene to hand jay a giant medal for his long serving and bravery during the boer war. Go! Go! Power Rangers!
But the red ranger, slipped in
dog poh and accidentally ripped Pink Rangers breasticles out of her
suite.
"ooooh pink ranger" Said Gee, "I feel a google image search coming
on......"
And the Boer's said "your people attacked us first" But no one was listening because they were all Googling Pink Ranger pics while she took a shower.
"I love wanking in the shower!
Everyone knows that!" said Gee. No one was shocked.
"my mum was the first time she caught me" Responded Gee to the Narrator, "But not as shocked the first time I caught her". Jonny then shot Gee because he was ruining the story and Gee fell down on the floor bleeding and all the blood mixed with the dog poo in his hair (he styles it with dog poo you know) and people were reluctant to pick him up. But the ever faithful Noddy and Mick picked him up and took him to Farnworth A&E. He fancied a nurse but she was well put off by the stench. When he was all better the 3 Musketeers (Gee, Noddy and Mick) went off to the bushes to smoke lots of weed and came across The Lepricaun Of Plodder Lane Golf Course Who Granted Them All One Wish...
Gee Pondered About This But Eventually His Mind Was Made Up. He Said "I wish for a time machine. to take him back to the time when he met all of us and not meet us." So Off G Went, Back Through The Fruitloops Of Time Never To Be Seen Again. Jonny then wondered why Gaz was putting capital letter everywhere. Meanwhile Hannah stumbled across the time machine and thought it would be fun to go back to the time time when she first Went out With Andy Watson And Told Him To Piss Off.
"And now, for something completely different" said this Andy of Watson and began to lick the dogpoo out of g's hair but it was not poo is was merely braided chocolate drops.
"Its real poh!" said Gee. Him,
Nick and Noddy then went round to Mick's house for tea were they bumped
into Bill
and the wish was wasted but Mick and Noddy still had there's so Mick
closed his eyes tightly and wish'd that he was looking at a pier front
penny dreadful of fat old ladies wearing bathing suits...and they took
their bathing suits off to reveal the ten tonnes of roly polly pudding
he was secretly in love with....it was that Michelle, from Fame
Academy....and her grandma, on the beach, rubbing suntan lotion all over
Gaz's back and shoulders.
Gaz said "For The What Now?"
And Jonny said "With the who now?" And Hammy laughed at them all because hed been drinking for hours and then Jay too because he has sensibly been on a binge since tuesday since last
"Omg bout to die" said Jay. Then
gee came round afta a bout in hospital for liver damage, and a session
of feeding prescription pills to pigeons because he mistook the pigeons
to be his children...as they too were covered in droplets of poo....so
one pecked his hand in affection and he screamed, letting go of the
pills and some of them burst (they were capsule form) and got into the
water mains at the side of the road and infected all off Bo
lton
with acid (there was really acid in them).
Jack and Mal bumped into Rock & Roll Legends KISS!
And with the whole of Bolton tripin there tits off on acid, its inhabitants began to spank each other with rancid cods and coconuts.
And all Hannah's friends decided they'd had enough of this nonsense and carnage and packed up their old kit bags and moved to Farnworth Snooker Club, where they unpacked their belongings and drank non-stop and lived happily together in a drunken stupor for 1 week, 2 days, 14 hours and 31 seconds.... until Jay kindly made them some arabic coffee, everyone got there senses back and made there way home as the tripping binge in Bolton had ended by now.
JonnyWorld Silly Story Ending
Competition Winning Entry
by Salem
Martin Ciderspiller and Jack applied for an American Express Blue Card (which you can get absolutely anything you want in the world on) with their usual Master of Forgergy Expertise (M.Fe.) and used it to hire a charter plane and pay for the entire GASH Collective Annual Holiday. Billy Gash-Whacked the plane with an enormously large sticky back Gash sticker and Jonny took a group photo for our Gash family album to post in the Gallery.
We had invited Derek Acorah off "Most Haunted/Ghost Towns" along as a special guest as he was desperately in need of some rest and recouperation after his body had been possessed 24/7 by the cast members of "Lost" who kept giving him vibes (directions) on how to find their tropical island...Derek kept mumbling something strange about some numbers...I think they were 4 16 17 23 32 (or something similar) and repeating the fact that we would all be cursed until we uncovered the magic of the numbers. So in a last ditch attempt for goodness to triumph over evil we decided to change our holiday into a humanitarian misson to rid ourselves and any random polar bears and snails we encountered along the way of all fur/hair and weave it all into dreadlocked furry blankets to distribute to the needy, poor and old folks of Bolton (as well as one for a feverish bald Jack...who looked surprisingly like a thug).
So with Derek in the cockpit (talking in a very strange voice) he guided a bald Jonnymus Prime (the pilot) and a bald Ciderspiller (the co-pilot) across the skies to a far distant tropical island (using the cursed numbers as compass points). Meanwhile a bald chief steward (Jay) dressed in a lovely baby pink coloured shirt and plastic leather tight fitting pants (carrying a matching handbag) with the help of the two bald stewardesses Mal and Kiye (who had "Virgin" written across their bosoms), proceeded to hand out as much alcohol as we all could drink (mostly cider). During the flight Gaz and Karen, Billy and Lucy, Martin and Cyberpixie and Jack and Mal took it in turns in the toilet to join the Mile High Club. Martin Ciderspiller and Billy had arranged the music which was a lot of heavy grind core thrash death and sex stuff with some classical undertones....
We partied a whole day and night and when we finally arrived at the tropical island we were stopped at the airport by the customs officials when Hana asked a very strange question which had been bugging her for a while ..."Is this Heaven or is this Hell?" which made I eat bees and Salem very angry co's they really didn't want to know and the custom's men didn't believe us when we told them the purpose of our visit was to rid all polar bears and snails on the island of their fur...and who could blame them (with Derek Acorah swaying about, waving his arms madly, pulling freaky faces and shouting obscenities in a particularly eerie and gruff voice). Hammy and Gaz were asked by Customs Officers if they were brothers (which was very funny) co's really it is Jonny and Hammy who are brothers and we all laughed at that uncontrollably because it was such a ridiculous thought).
Jonny kept muttering something about "I am what I am, I am Jonnymus Prime, Leader of the Autobots, Game Master Extrodinaire, I hold the Matrix", Hammy kept shouting "noodles, noodles I need noodles" and Martin Ciderspiller kept repeating "Oh arr, oh arr, I am the dread Gash pirate" and Manly Nat Man of Action kept repeating "Do you like my curls and my thick shiny hair?" (even though he too was bald). Gee kept repeating everything in the form of a poem and Salem and Mrs Hannah kept arguing about who loved the other the most.
Kiye was telling the custom's men about Bert and Gert, how they love watermelon and showers under the tap and how wonderful snails are in general whilst Kiye and Karen was explaining the virtues and habits of snakes and all things reptile.
Eventually we were all put on a big old yellow bus (which Billy GASHwhacked) and given free transport to the local hospital where they strapped us onto beds and put strange electrodes on our bald heads and ran electric currents through our brains until all we could see was the outline of snails (which was surprisingly very comforting). They gave us free food and accommodation throughout our entire visit and after a thoroughly enjoyable holiday, where we were the centre of attention every day, they eventually repatriated us back to Bolton just in time for the next Gash party on December 3rd!!! Jonny and Jack were nominated as our official GASH photographers and took many varied and interesting GASH annual holiday snaps throughout the entire trip...which are presently in the process of development and can be viewed very soon on the Gallery.
Alternative
Ending!
by Mal (aka i_eat_bees)
As the deluxe teasmaid dropped
the plastic cup out of the refill holder, all was lost. kidneys must
stay defunctioning. livers must stay green and sickly. People sobbed
bitterly to themselves. Gee died. Billy spoke sweetly of bird flu. Then
just as colours began to look like solid colours again, and flowers
stopped following people into pubs and asking for spare change...pupils
went back to normal.......people adjusted to the 40 watt light in the
kitchen.....and reality crept upon them
"its here!" shouted Jay, petrified, "reality is here, once again and its
picking us off like FLIIIEEEESSS!!!"
Then Derek from Most Haunted stood up, suddenly, said "wait!!!! Im
getting a presence!" and like an angel in their midst in walked MENTAL
PETE.
"um i dont suppose...i could...ahhh umm have one of those biscuits could
i?" he said, looking at the armadillo handbag jay was sporting, and all
of a sudden things went a little strange again and the walls began to
spin.
"Hey....where are we?" said Billy as the edges began to blur a bit and
the circus music started up again....
"Where are YOU?" said Jack, "I never came back, mate!" and off they all
soared high up to the ceiling!
"So I'll just take this handbag then" said Mental pete but nobody heard
him.
"Get off me, you" said Derek from most haunted but nobody heard him.
Nobody heard him. All manner of things were well.