Visitors So Far
Fiction
Little Red Ride In The Hood
By Jonny (and the Brothers Grimm)
Once upon a time there was a homie named Hammy who was loved by everyone, but most of all by his brother Jonny. Hammy had a pimped out red sports car, which suited him so well that he would never wear anything else. So he was always called Little Red Riding Ham.
One day his mother said to him, "Come, Little Red Riding Ham, here is a piece of cake and a bottle of Bailey's. Take them to your brother, he is ill and weak, and they will do him good. Set out before it gets hot, and when you are going, drive nicely and quietly and do not run people over, or you will be in big trouble, and then your brother will get nothing. And when you get to his apartment, don't forget to say, hey from us."
"I'll do it in a minute!!!" whined Hammy.
Jonny lived out in France, miles and miles from the Bolton, and just as Hammy cleared customs, a gangster-werewolf approached him. Hammy didn't know who this was and was not at all afraid of him.
"Yo, Bonjour Monsieur Hambo!" said he.
"Erm...Bonjour Monsieur creepy man."
"What's goin down foo'?"
"I have to goto see my bro"
"What's in the Trunk dawg?"
"Cake and wine. Oh and a few 3 litre bottles of Cider me and Dave got the other day"
"So where's Jonny's crib at?"
"Versailles near Paris," replied Hammy from his Little Red Rider.
The wolf thought to himself, "Hey, this Hambo isn't badly built, he will be better to eat than that scrawny Jonny. I must act cunningly like a fox, so I can mug them and then eat them both." So he followed him in his Hummer and drove by the side of Hammy as they rode through the edge of Paris and then he shouted out the window, "Hey man! Check deeze bars out. Let's check em out, dis place looks dope, ai! Come on man, chill and let's get the party on. It'll be da bomb"
Little Red Riding Hood raised her eyes, and when he saw the people dancing on the dancefloor through t the windows, and pretty girls everywhere. He thought he could just stop for a while. It is so early in the evening that he could still get there in good time. And so he pulled up and ran into the city look for beer. And whenever he got one he saw an even better bar down the road, and ran after it, and so got deeper and deeper into the streets.
Meanwhile the wolf ran straight to the Jonny's house and knocked at the door.
"Who is it?" shouted Jonny from his computer.
"It's Hammy," replied the wolf. "I got Baileys!"
"Yaaay! Coming!" said Jonny running to the door ready to hug his brother.
Jonny opened the door and let out a scream and shout as the werewolf and devoured him. The wolf then put on Jonny's clothes, dressed himself in her cap, sat in front of the PC and drew the curtains.
Meanwhile an over excited Hammy was cruising with his Little Red Ride in the Hood with a couple of chicks he had found (one who was driving as Hammy was too drunk), and when he had drunk so much that he could drink no more, he remembered Jonny, and set out on the way to Versailles.
He was surprised to find the doors open, and when he went into the room, he had such a strange feeling that he said to himself "I think I'm gonna puke..."
He called out, "Helllooooo?" but received no answer. So he switched the light on. There sat her Jonny with his cap pulled far over his face, and looking very strange.
"Haha!" he said, "what big ears you have."
"Hey leave off da ears foo'," was the reply.
"Hehe, what big eyes you have," he said.
"They not adjusted to the light yet man, back off."
"Hahahahaha! look at your nose. It's big and it's funneeeeee" Hammy said wobbling a bit
"Erm....it got broke again innit....which....like...made it longer?"
"Errrm....what's with the sharp teeth then?"
"The better to eat you with homes!"
And scarcely had the werewolf said this, than with one bound he was out of chair and swallowed up Little Red Riding Ham.
When the werewolf had appeased his appetite, he opened up iTunes and proceeded to play the new Westwood Album really loud. A cop was just passing the house, and thought to himself, how loud the music was and came up the stairs to tell the perpetrator to turn it down.
So he went into the room, and when he came to the sofa, he saw that the werewolf was sleeping on it. The cop was only a cop during the day, by night he was a Shadow Hunter, a defender of Mankind on a mission to defend France from the supernatural that would do us harm. "Do I find you here, you old sinner," said he. "I have long sought you."
Then just as he was going to fire at him, it occurred to him that the wolf might have devoured the house owner, and that he might still be saved, so he did not fire his silver bullet, but took a pair of scissors from the kitchen, and began to cut open the stomach of the sleeping wolf.
When he had made two snips, he saw the Little Red Riding Ham looking rather drunk, and then he made two snips more, and Hammy sprang out, crying, "GIVE BEER!"
And after that Jonny crawled out alive also, but scarcely able to breathe. Little Red Riding Ham however, quickly fetched great stones with which they filled the wolf's belly, and when he awoke, he wanted to run away, but the stones were so heavy that he collapsed at once, and fell dead.
Then all three were delighted with this horrible, disgusting and brutal slaughter. The hunter drew off the wolf's skin and took it into Paris to be made into outfits for the upcoming Fashion Show. Jonny ate the cake and drank the Baileys which Little Red Riding Ham had brought (even though it was strangely nearly all gone now), and got pretty levered, but Little Red Riding Ham thought to himself, as long as I live, I will never by myself drink this much again and through up in my own shoes.
It is also related that once when Little Red Riding Ham was again cruising the hood, another werewolf spoke to him, and tried to entice him to the pub. Little Red Riding Ham, however, was on his guard, and went straight forward through the traffic lights, and told his Dad he has seen a werewolf, and that he had said "Fancy a drink down t'Alma?", but with such a wicked look in his eyes, that if they had not been on the public road he was certain he would have eaten him up. "Well," said the Dad, "we'll make sure we lock the front door so he can't get in."
Soon afterwards the wolf knocked, and cried, "Open the door please, I need the toilet desperately! I mean I really really need to go potty."
But they did not speak, or open the door, so the werewolf stole twice or thrice round the house, and at last jumped on the roof, intending to wait until someone brought out the wheelie-bin as it was a Thursday and bun night. But the Mom & Dad were clever and knew what the werewolf was planning. In front of the house was a great stone trough, so the Mom said to the Ham "Hammy! It's time to take the bin out before it gets to late. Bring my slippers down! And could you do something else for me while you're up?" Meanwhile the Dad filled the bin with the petrol for the lawnmower.
Hammy trundled the wheelie-bin up the street and the werewolf sniffed and peeped down, and at last stretched out his neck so far that he could no longer keep his footing and began to slip, and slipped down from the roof straight into the basketball net which then fell from the wall smash-broking poor Gazerino's knee, who happened to be playing basketball at the time. But Little Red Riding Hood went joyously back upstairs to play City Of Heroes and laughed at Gaz.
And they all lived happily ever after, except for Gazerino and his gammy-leg.