Babysitting the Newbieverbs
A Prelude To AGFF Clonewars
By Mary Gifaldi
Dedicated To Kain Aron Highwind
The phone call came at the most inopportune time. Well, almost. Mary,
immersed fully in the instant cappuccino she had made for herself, was
so startled by the ring of the phone that her mouthful of hot liquid
sprayed out her nose.
"Hello? Is this Mary Ger--um, Mary Gul--Gihfloddy?"
"Uh, I guess so," Mary said into the phone while wiping the cappuccino
off the floor.
"Oh! Great! Well, listen, I wondering...would you be interested in
babysitting?"
"Would I be what?" Mary paused with the damp paper towel in her hand.
"Well, I need a babysitter tonight, and one of your friends said that
you were good with kids. Could you please help me out?"
"Um, I'm kind of busy," Mary said, thinking of the luxurious dinner at
the Chez Rialto that she and her boyfriend had planned.
"But I'm REALLY desperate! Please! I'll give you a hundred dollars!"
"A hundred dollars?" repeated Mary, whose eyes were immediately
replaced by dollar signs.
And that's how, at six o'clock that night, Mary found herself walking
up the driveway of a house in Suburbia with a large red palmprint on
her cheek.
As soon as Mary approached the door, it was flung open by a large
middle-aged woman.
"Oh thank heaven!" she sighed, placing a hand on her bosom. "I really
do appreciate you doing this for me. I would be up the proverbial
creek otherwise!"
"No problem," Mary said lamely, trying to turn her head so the
evidence that stated otherwise wasn't visible.
"Please come in. I think I told you, there's just my son and his
little friend. Oh, but you shouldn't have any trouble, really...he's
the best son that a mother could have."
"Sure," Mary said, trying to keep her mind on a nice, juicy C-note.
"They're in the kitchen right now," the woman gushed. "Well, I have to
be off, so take care!"
"Okay," Mary replied, stepping into the kitchen. When she saw what was
inside....
"AAAAAAGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Mary screeched as loud as she could.
But it was too late. The front door opened and shut and inside the
kitchen:
"HELLoE!!!!1!!!!111!!1!!!" shrieked a little twerp. "I IZ
NEEWBIEJump11!!!!!1!!1!!"
"I'M nEWBIEWALK!!!" yelled the other kid in the kitchen.
"NWEEBIEWKAL IZ MIE FRENID!1!1!!1!!!!111! AND MYI MOMEY LUVAZ
MEE!1!!!!!1!!" Newbiejump yelled at the top of his lungs.
"LET'S plAy!" cried Newbiewalk, jumping up and down. "I WANA PLAY Sp1N
THE BoTTLE!!!"
"YAYAEEYYYYY!!1!!!1!111!"
Wheezing in shock, Mary ran out of the kitchen and sat down before she
passed out. "This...is...no! This can't be happening!"
"DU YOU HAVEE ANY HNTAIY OPCICS?"
Mary looked up to see Newbiejump's drool-covered face grinning at her.
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
It was some time later that Mary found herself lying on the floor. She
must have really fainted after that last shock.
Slowly Mary sat up, only to be hit in the forehead with a Nerf arrow.
"YAY!" Newbiewalk's voice hollered. "I AM THE COP AND I KILLLLED THEJ
ROBBER! YAYYY!"
"NO, I IZ THE COPAS!!!111!!11!" shrieked Newbiejump. "I GONMA KILL THE
ROBNERE!!!!11!!!!1!!1"
"I'm GONnna kill You!:" Newbiewalk screamed back, and for a while all
was silent except the sounds of two six-year olds smacking each other.
Three minutes later both walked up to Mary with bloody noses. They
were bawling their eyes out.
"HE HIT ME!" wailed Newbiewalk, snot dripping over his lips. "HE'S
MEAN!"
"HE HIT ME A(FISRST!!!1!!11!11!" Newbiejump argued in his effusive
way.
"NO YOU LIaR TYou HIT ME FRIST!"
"U UZ LYAING!1!!1!!!!!111!!"
"NO YOU LYING!"
"U!!1!1!!"
"YOU!"
"I IZ GONEU TO KIWLL YOWU!!!1111!!"
"I KILL yOU FIarst!"
Once more during that night Mary passed out in shock.
Ding dong.
Ding dong.
Ding dong.
Groaning, Mary slowly picked herself up the exact same spot on the
floor. Staggering to the door, she opened it without thinking.
"Domino's Pizza!" chirped the perky guy at the door.
"I didn't order a pizza," Mary mumbled.
"Really?" the delivery guy checked his pad and smiled. "The pizza is
for a...Newbieswim?"
"NewbieSWIM? No one named Newbieswim lives here!"
"Oh, okay, sorry." Before the deliverer could say anything else, Mary
had shut the door in his face.
"Newbieswim? Which one of the little brats did it?"
"tyhey di'ntd sod ait."
Mary immediately turned around, to see a skinny kid, maybe fourteen
years old, standing behind her.
"i adid alit alkdnd i alm naebwiswim. i am ahere ot..."
"Lovely," Mary said, feeling dizzy again. "Who are you, their cousin?"
"noa i adonet fkilike athelam."
"...What?"
"ai d'onte lkei altheaem."
"You don't like them?"
"i ;athat theiar gautts."
"Yeah, well I do too...Wait a minute! How did you get in the house?"
"i'am aneeeeeewibswimn so i slwin andf ai canll askwin wlnerwver ali
nied ot ago."
Just then, Newbieswim's garbled rhetoric was broken with a shrill cry.
"HAE:LP MAAEEEE!11!!!!!!!!!!!1111111111111!"
"Newbiejump?" Mary asked, not daring to imagine what the little brat
had done this time. "Are you playing with matches?"
"NO I IZ NAOT! HEEEELLLLLLPPPPPPPPPPPPPP!!!!!!111!1!1!"
Following the voice, Mary darted upstairs to see some masked figure
dragging the two newbieverbs out the window by their hair.
"LEIT GOE OF ME!!111!!1 DO YOEU WANAT MYYY MIMMAY TO KILL AYOU???"
Newbiejump managed to squawk before the masked ninja-type person saw
Mary and hurriedly jumped out of the window, dragging Newbiejump and
Newbiewalk with him.
"Excrement!" Mary shouted, intending to jump after him, before she saw
that it was a twenty-foot drop. "And I left my tonfa at home, too..."
"yaeh ita;l wlkriekd nlow newbitaljmpu ankd naoubiellkjwmi aalre
goinnbag pt dlie" Newbieswim well, whispered downstairs.
"They're going to DIE?" shrieked Mary, charging down the stairs like a
bull.
"thaye aotre a,jknd ita's gauieng tp olbe sp cauiklll tehyllk bi
aedter tina aj deoojd doingo's adoiengier," Newbieswim answered before
he ran out the front door.
"They'll be deader than a dead dingo's donger?" Mary repeated slowly,
as cold air blew through the broken window. "Oh, crap! Newbiejump's
mom will probably have me arrested for child neglect!"
Slowly Mary trudged down the stairs, before it struck her that she
should call the police. She reached out a hand with well-bitten nails,
picked up the receiver...
...and was not the least bit surprised to find it dead.
"It's deader than a dead dingo's donger," Mary said bitterly, then
began to laugh. And laugh. She would have kept laughing if the
doorbell hadn't rang again.
"Oh!" Mary put her hands to the sides of her mouth and giggled like a
schoolgirl. "Who will it be this time? Newbiewaddle? Newbiefornicate?
The Easter Bunny?" Still giggling madly, Mary skipped to the door and
swung it open. "Hellooooooooo!"
The black-haired
man in front of her merely frowned disapprovingly.
"Get a hold of yourself. You're acting weak."
"But when it counts the most, aren't we all?" Mary sang merrily,
before she took a second look. That Travolta-esque slicked hair, the
navy blue suit, the huge gun on his hip...
"Hey! Wait a minute! Aren't you--"
"I am Tseng of the Turks," the figure said curtly. "May I come
inside?"
"Why are you in my story?" demanded Mary.
"Because I never show up in any fanfics, and that violates my
contract."
"But aren't you supposed to be dead?"
"Dead?" Tseng said blankly. Unnerved, Mary stepped aside.
"Oh, um, yeah, come on in."
"Now," Tseng said once Mary shut the door behind him, "let's get right
to the point. I am here to investigate the kidnapping of two minor
children, which occurred roughly," Tseng glanced at his watch, "two
minutes and forty three seconds ago. You have pertinent information
and may prove vital to this case."
"How come you're _investigating_ a kidnapping? I thought you did
kidnappings professionally!"
Tseng gave Mary such a cold stare that she immediately cowered. "Um,
nothing, forget it."
"We have reason to believe that the victims' lives may be in danger."
Tseng turned around and began marching upstairs to the crime scene,
with Mary trailing behind. "Now, what can you tell me?"
"Well, I was babysitting those two pests--er, kids--and I sort
of...lost consciousness." Mary smiled weakly when Tseng threw her
another disapproving look. "Then, there was a pizza guy at the door
who said that someone named Newbieswim had ordered a pizza. I sent him
away, and there was suddenly a kid behind me who said he was
Newbieswim. I think he was in his early teens."
"Yes. Interesting." Tseng said. "Continue."
Mary might have rolled her eyes if it hadn't been for the everpresent
gun relaxing at his side. "Well, he said that he 'hated their guts'
and then I heard Newbiejump screaming up here. I came upstairs and a
guy dressed like a ninja was pulling them out the window. Then
Newbieswim said they'd be 'deader than a dead dingo's donger' and he
ran away."
"That's quite an interesting phrase," Tseng said, staring right into
Mary's eyes. It was sort of spooky, and she backed away again.
"Yeah, I guess..."
"Might you have heard this phrase before?"
"Excuse me?"
"It seems that if you could recall a seemingly meaningless expression
like that at random, you've heard it more than once."
"Oh, yeah," Mary swallowed nervously. "It does seem kind of familiar
but I don't know..."
Mary's words were cut off as Tseng smacked her across the back of the
head. While bright blue shapes flared in front of her eyes, Mary swung
a fist at him. "You bastard! What was that for?"
"That was to jog your memory," Tseng said casually. He had caught her
punch almost the instant she threw it. "Are you going to calm down
now?"
"Yes," Mary said sullenly, and he released her hand. "I think I
remember. But there's something I need to do first."
Mary expertly hopped on to Newbiejump's computer and went to the
Dejanews home page to search for the phrase "dead dingo's donger." It
popped up a few times (no pun intended), mostly in Belthasar's
signature file. Luckily, though, it was attributed to...
"Edwyn," Mary said shortly, as the lighting dimmed dramatically around
her.
Turning to Tseng, she began to speak very rapidly. "Yes, it all makes
sense now. Edwyn said that he wanted Newbiejump dead. In very graphic
ways. Who would have thought that he'd be capable of something like
this? And I bet he'd kill Newbiewalk just for the sheer hell of it.
He's never liked newbieverbs. Everything falls into place when you
stop and think logically. Even the part con el oso grande que baila en
el parque para comida y agua!"
Tseng remained relatively impassive through this spiel. "Now, do you
know where this Edwyn may be?"
"There's only one place he could be," Mary said in a low dramatic
voice, as lightning flashed (though it was a clear night and wasn't
raining at all).
meanwhile...
"Thank you for leading me to these two newbieverbs, Newbieswim," the
masked figure said with a low chuckle. "I simply could not have pulled
this off without you."
"tanks nowl lwehhere apore tleh hOt chleicks yojej whiere gobeng tple
guvle mei spe ia cyeld soeck thepeir tlies alejg diay?" Newbieswim
asked, palms sweating in immature macho lust.
"All in good time. You see, my dear newbie friend, I have
something...extra special planned for you." the figure said, slowly
unmasking himself. As Newbieswim, watched, fascinated, the shadows
slowly left the masked face, revealing an ear, a chin, half of a
cheek...oh, all right. It wasn't that dramatic at all. The figure was
Edwyn. Duh.
"wohtw io nober thougnt;s ikt w,ssuould b;oe yo;je" Newbieswim
exclaimed.
"Indeed." Edwyn smirked at Newbieswim, who read nothing in that gaze.
"Now, just be patient...a little while longer and it will all be
yours."
back at the ranch...
Tseng and Mary were riding in the ShinraCopter(TM). Mary thought it
would be something great and special, but it was nothing more than two
bucket seats with a bunch of empty beer cans thrown in the back.
"Where are you going to land this thing?" Mary asked, looking at the
Turk who was piloting the craft as if it were a flying carpet.
"I'm not," Tseng said simply.
"What?!"
"I'm simply going to hover low over our target, and you and I will get
out using the rope ladder. Twenty minutes later, the helicopter will
detonate, and anyone inside the building at the time...including
us...will be blown to shreds."
"Oh." For some reason Mary wished she hadn't asked.
"There it is," Tseng murmured in a low, unprofessional voice. Mary
leaned over and looked.
There, beneath the chopper, was the Half Brick Research and
Development Institute.
"This sucks!" Mary thought, slowly clamoring down the waving rope
ladder. "I really hope I don't fall."
Above her, there was a small beep as Tseng set his watch.
"Guess I shouldn't look down," Mary told herself, but did anyway. The
ground was two meters beneath her feet.
Tseng descended with far greater skill than Mary could ever hope to
possess. "Now, follow me, and be quick about it. Also don't make any
noise. If you blow our cover, I might have to shoot you." Tseng fondly
grasped his gun's barrel.
"What good would that do?" Mary exclaimed, outraged.
"It would make me feel much less angry."
With agility that would put a lynx to shame, Tseng wound his way
around the crates of bricks, and the machines that chopped them in
half. With a bit less stealth, Mary did too.
Behind a large pile of rejected half-bricks, Tseng motioned for Mary
to hide herself. Confused, she did what he asked anyway.
Faintly, in the distance, voices could be heard.
"YOU LET me go or I'll sEND piGWalK AFTER YOU!!!!" Unmistakeably,
without a doubt, the utterance of Newbiewalk.
Mary almost sighed in relief to hear that he was unharmed. For now,
anyway.
A much louder voice then approached. Mary stooped as low and still as
she possibly could.
"elkjgwyn slid toha thoer moght ibe pelgopel hore. cpem oejht
whoeremver yout apre pletuple!"
Mary's eyes narrowed as she saw Newbieswim enter the factory area, and
try mightily to discern any shapes in the inky darkness.
"il hagev a gine! ilj blow e youje apgway!" Newbieswim was unable to
stop himself from giggling at what he'd just said.
"i aaakwsaogd i'd dbaolw thooem allway." Chuckling to himself,
Newbieswim walked off in the direction he'd came from.
Mary slapped her palm to her forehead. She couldn't help it. Tseng
glared at her. Even in the darkness there was no mistaking it.
After a few minutes, Tseng stood up and motioned Mary to follow.
Carefully, they began making their way in the direction Newbieswim had
come from. He checked his watch. Seven minutes left.
The young newbies' voices began to grow louder gradually as the Turk
and the babysitter traversed a long, straight corridor.
"U EALT POOOAPE!11!!!!1!11! AND IU LIEK GRILS!1!!!!!1"
A hearty chuckle was the only response.
Tseng began to move more quickly, still without making a sound. Mary
found herself falling behind but moved as carefully as she could
without making a lot of noise.
Eventually the two found themselves in front of a large warehouse
door. Mary eyed the handle while Tseng held a hand out to stop her.
Waiting for Tseng to open the door, Mary stood back.
Tseng tensed, then threw himself into the door with all his might. The
door flew off its hinges and into the room beyond, Tseng sailing
through the air with it. Mary stood in abject amusement, then quickly
ran into whatever lay beyond.
Tseng had already picked himself up the floor when she entered, and
had his gun drawn and aimed at someone across the room. Mary's eyes
followed the bullet's intended path. Straight to Edwyn.
"Gee," Edwyn said, extending his arms in a drawn-out shrug, one of
which held a sock with a half brick in it. "It's not every day you
meet a Turk."
On either side of Edwyn was a very pissed newbieverb. They were tied
to chairs with fishing line.
"Slide the weapon across the floor," Tseng said in his trademark cool
voice, "or your head disappears above the eyebrows."
"YAYHAYA! KILL HIIIM!!!111!!!!!!!" crowed Newbiejump.
"KiLl HIM toO0!!!!" Newbiewalk added, doing his best to point at
Newbiejump.
"HEY!!111!!!!!!!!1!1!!1!"
Ignoring them, as any professional assassin would, Tseng stared hardly
at Edwyn. "You have till the count of three. One. Two..."
"theireee!" came an all-too-familiar voice behind them. Mary turned
her head and saw that Newbieswim had materialized on the other side of
the room, with a pistol aimed at the back of Tseng's head. "don'taaw
soihoeet home oer i'lask kiuell yoie!"
"I could have him dead and turn around to pick you off before you even
pulled the trigger," Tseng said. Mary, however, wondered at the truth
of that statement.
"wkeill th3m tryo lit! bit ai willkke shgopiet tou!"
"And in turn," Edwyn said with a sinister smile, "the sound patterns
of the gunshot will set off this device," he indicated a large machine
in the far corner of the room, "that will drop a ton of half bricks
onto their heads."
Mary looked at the ceiling above the newbies' heads; there was indeed
a large panel missing.
"You're bluffing!" she cried desparately.
Edwyn turned, surprised, and smiled when he saw Mary. "Hello, Mary!
Haven't seen you in ages!"
"I was busy!" Mary began in self-defense, then realized what she was
doing and shut up. Mary took up an offensive stance. "In that case,
I'll just kill you myself!"
Luckily, Mary's back was to him so she couldn't see Tseng's trademark
withering stare.
"You're powerless. You don't have your tonfa."
Mary sputtered in indignation as Edwyn casually dismissed her and
turned his head again.
Addressing the boy behind Tseng, Edwyn said, "Shoot him, Newbieswim."
"ahwy?"
"Because if you do, he dies. If you miss, he shoots you and you die.
But either way, these two die. Get it?"
"walita a mineute uyoie aore soayimg touhat i couled dpeu?"
Edwyn stared at Newbieswim. "You're behind a guy with a gun, you
idiot! Didn't you realize that?"
"bugt i;pif iod die thonem lio won'tei bie alble t o scuqeawr tohe
hpte chizkgs."
"I won't GIVE you any hot chicks if you don't do what you're told!"
"buit oue soaid thate aline il hakd top doae w';las fined nwbeijmpe
and nwboewaken nd youe'd givena mei hlkt chieks!"
"Tough, I'm changing the terms."
"whatie the hilee? tne iw on'tdo whkt youe wint mei toiw! ile sihot
youe istend!"
"You'd shoot me? You'd bite the hand that feeds you?" Edwyn shook his
head sadly. "Well, Newbieswim, I'm afraid I'm going to have to give
you that extra special something earlier than I'd planned. I'm going
to have to give it to you right now."
"realye? whot isz ite?"
"This." With lightning speed, Edwyn twirled the sock with the half
brick in it and let it fly. It struck Newbieswim in the head and the
force lifted him to the ceiling. Newbieswim smashed against it with a
sick smacking sound, then fell limp to the floor.
"Now," Edwyn said to Tseng, eyes burning, "what's it going to be? Will
you shoot me and end this whole mess?"
"I can't believe you killed him!" Mary exclaimed.
"I had it planned all along. All newbieverbs must die," Edwyn said
with another shrug.
Tseng's eyes narrowed, and he threw the gun to Mary, who fumbled and
caught it. Without another word he rushed to Edwyn and the two
immediately began kung-fu fighting.
"WOW THAIS IZ JUSTT LIIEK THES MOOVUIES!!111!!!!111" Newbiejump
exclaimed.
Mary thought for a minute and ran, pulling the kids she was supposed
to be babysitting across the room.
"HE Yi cAN'T SEe ANYMORE!" whined Newbiewalk.
"Shut up, ya little punk!" Mary spat, then ran to the noise machine.
She looked over at Tseng and Edwyn who were punching and kicking just
below the panel.
"Is it really fair to kill Tseng too?" Mary wondered. "After all, he
did help me find them and all that. But he also insulted me! A lot!"
With malice in her eyes, Mary fired the gun...at the machine.
Two things happened at once. First, the noise machine gave a whirring
noise before the bullet hit, then it shattered into shrapnel.
Second, the ceiling panel swung open with a creak.
Both Tseng and Edwyn froze. Above them fell not bricks, but glue. Lots
and lots of it. Both were covered liberally in it and glued to the
spot in less than a second.
"I knew he was lying!" Mary cried, dancing around like a crow.
Many things happened in the next few minutes. A rescue mission came,
almost as if they had been following them, and moved the helicopter.
It exploded not over Edwyn's Institute, but instead over the Pacific
Ocean.
Someone kindly untied the newbieverbs while another person set to
scraping Tseng and Edwyn free.
"How much do you know about us?" a man in a white labcoat demanded
of Mary.
"How much do I know about what?"
"Good. That is very good." The man walked off. Meanwhile, some lackeys
loaded Newbieswim's body and the still glued-together Edwyn into a
truck they had somehow driven into the building.
"Hey! You can't do this to me!" yelled Edwyn. "I know what you are!
You're a secret research organization that intends to biologically
enslave the world and your leader is..."
Edwyn's voice was drowned out as the truck's doors were slammed.
"So miss, do you require furthur assistance?"
"Uh, no." Mary glanced over at Tseng, who was in the process of
removing his glue-saturated jacket, and then back at the newbieverbs.
"I think I can take it from here. Um, thanks for your help Tseng. But
if you ever threaten to kill me again..."
Mary clouted him across the back of his head as hard as she could.
With his arms involved with removing his jacket, he never saw it
coming. "I'LL KILL YOU!...Okay, let's go home."
With the two newbieverbs on a leash in front of her, Mary traipsed
back to Newbiejump's house.
Three days later, and a hundred dollars richer...
"Didn't I tell you it would be great?" Mary asked, sitting with her
boyfriend at the sushi bar. "We never could have afforded this unless
I took the job!"
"Uh, yeah Mary. But you forgot something."
"I did? What?"
"I don't like seafood. Especially raw seafood." He stared down at the
tekka and kappa in front of him, face turning green.
"Well, you never know unless you try it!"
"I hate you Mary."
"It's actually pretty good!"
"I don't understand what I ever saw in you."
"Look, it won't hurt you!"
"I'm going to kill you slowly."
"It's _good_! Oh, more fugu please!"