Chapter 1: The Relm Clone Revenge

By  Mr. X

After arriving back at Craxton's home, a little whiterock cottage
around the Greyshone Forest in AGFF, Craxton allowed Relm to borrow
some of his niece's old clothing and a bathrobe so she could wash
herself up in the shower, and be fresh and clean again. While she did
so, Craxton enthusiastically whipped some cheese onto some bread and
put it in the oven. When Relm left the shower, they could eat grilled
cheese sandwiches together and talk more about X, the army of fake
Relms, and how Craxton could be sure Relm was safe and sound.

_If only FuSoYa were here_, Craxton thought to himself, as he put the
cookie sheet slowly into the oven, carefully inspecting the cheese
sandwiches one last time to make sure none of them would be too drippy
or not cheesy enough. Finally, convinced that the cheese sandwiches
were ready to be grilled, he shoved them into the oven and closed the
oven door. From the bathroom, he heard the shower start.

He sat down at the table and sighed to himself. Why had FuSoYa left
anyway? If FuSoYa had been around, this entire mess would have never
come to be and Relm's Unofficial Defender would not have had to do the
dirty work. Craxton could understand FuSoYa leaving temporarily...
After hearing that the Moon had been invaded, of course FuSoYa had
perfectly good reason to leave and attempt to save the last remaining
Lunarians. Craxton just selfishly wanted him back, so that he didn't
have to worry so much about the little cutie. And besides, it had
already been almost a year! Where could FuSoYa be...and could he be
dead?

Craxton removed such morbid thoughts from his head. He didn't want to
think about that now. Now he had a new task in front of him. He now
had Relm under his wing and, by Bob, he had to make sure she was safe
from the madman Mr. X and all of his Relm look-alike cronies.

With a loud smash, Craxton was removed from all of his thoughts by the
sight and sound of an elbow smashing through the outside window.
Craxton stood up, taking out his Crystal KnightSword and stepping
toward the window.

Out of the window came a seventeen year old Relm, dressed in a bikini
and very little else.

"Hey, we're here to destroy the fake Relm," she said simply.

"Not a chance," growled Craxton, holding the Crystal KnightSword in
front of him threateningly.

"Oh, you poor fool," Relm said, sneering at him. "It's already too
late. We've got agents coming from all sides!"

Craxton barely had time to figure out what she meant when he heard a
girlish scream from the bathroom.

"Relm!" he cried in horror, rushing toward the bathroom and cutting
through the door.

The eleven year old girl, dressed only in a towel, ran screaming out
of the bathroom, dropping the towel as she went. Quickly, she picked
it up again, effectively covering herself, and stood, cowering, behind
Craxton.

And in the bathroom itself were not Relms, but, instead, several men
dressed in white coats.

"Who the hell are you guys?" Craxton thought out loud.

"The answer to that, my dear fellow," came a familiar malicious voice
from behind, "are my non-Relm... friends."

Craxton turned around to see Mr. X, sneering in his direction. Beside Mr.
X were about ten different Relms and about seven different men dressed
in white coats. Wrapped up in a cloak limply was a man, features
shrouded in the shadows of the cloak, held up on his feet only by the
support of several of the men in white coats. In fact, even as Craxton
watched, the man's head lulled forward unconsciously, though still
shrouded too much to be recognized. Craxton paid this man no heed,
instead turning his attention to his new nemesis.

"Mr. X..." he growled.

"Why, hello, Craxton," said Mr. X cheerily. "I've decided to give you
a second chance. Give us the fake Relm and we'll let you live. How's
that sound?"

"Over my dead body," growled Craxton.

"Very well," sighed Mr. X, shaking his head. "I didn't want to do
this, but... Men, show him our captive!"

One of the men dressed in a white coat, with a whip of one hand,
completely took the hood off of the shaded man's head, exposing...
Edwyn.

Craxton's eyes widened.

"Uncle Eddy!" screamed Relm, voice ringing with horror, from in front
of Craxton.

Edwyn's eyes were slammed shut and his head hung limply at his front,
but his features were recognizable even so.

"Wh-wh-what have you done with him!?" Craxton shouted, voice quivering
with rage.

"He tried to kill my friends, the newbieverbs," Mr. X explained. "And
I couldn't have that. My friends and I decided he was better off
drugged unconscious where that rebellious nature of his could not
affect our... business plans. He knew too much. He had to be stopped."

"You see, Craxton," Mr. X continued soothingly. "What you've stepped
into is much larger than you might believe. This is not just some case
of simple Relm Defiling. Hell, no. This is an entire organization, one
which has been planning to change AGFF for the better for a long, long
time. Edwyn stood in our way. Your fake Relm now stands in our way. We
cannot allow this."

"But being the kind, compassionate folk that we are," Mr. X finished,
"we have decided not to kill you... or Edwyn... if you give us your
Relm and stay silent about this whole affair from here on out. You
don't concern us enough to need to die. To us, you're... insignificant,
for lack of a better word. Now, give us the fake Relm!"

Craxton's mouth tightened. "No."

Mr. X shrugged his shoulders."Very well, then. I'm sorry it had to
come to this."

"Men!" Mr. X shouted. "Drop Edwyn."

The men dressed in white coats did just that, allowing the unconscious
Edwyn to fall forward on his face.

Mr. X pulled out a gun, giving a wicked grin in Relm's direction. "Say
goodbye to Uncle Eddy, Relm!!"

Mr. X paused. "1.." he pulled the safety on the gun, with a loud
click.

"2..." Mr. X pointed it in the direction of Edwyn's head.

"Wait! Stop!" cried Relm, rushing forward.

"Hey..." Craxton began. But Relm was already too far ahead of him for
him to pull her back.

The men in white coats pulled out large, evil-looking revolvers,
and pointed them at Craxton, stopping him from moving forward.

"Now, let her make her own decisions," sneered Mr. X. "She's a grown
girl now, aren'tcha Relm?"

"Don't hurt him... please," Relm said, shivering and tightening the
towel around her.

"We won't need to," Mr. X said with a smile. "Sorry 'bout this."

Before Relm could react, Mr. X pulled out a large syringe and plunged
it into her right arm. She let out a loud exclamation, then fell back
to the ground next to Edwyn, just as unconscious as he. The towel fell
off of her to the floor.

"Relm!" cried Craxton, stepping forward.

"Stop or die," growled one of the men dressed in a white coat,
stopping Craxton in midstride. He fired a shot at Craxton's feet as a
warning, forcing him back a step.

Mr. X, meanwhile, stared down at Relm's uncovered body admiringly.
Then he threw the towel over her again and picked her up off of the
floor.

"You're a sick puppy, X," growled Craxton. "And you'll pay for this. I
swear it."

"Take Edwyn!" cried Mr. X to the men in white coats. "All but Agent
069 and Newbierelm. You stay here to watch over Craxton while the rest
of us make our getaway. And Craxton," Mr. X added over his shoulder,
"You don't have to worry about your precious Relm. I won't touch her
sexually. As you've already seen, I've got enough Relms... closer to
my age, at that... to keep me quite happy enough in any case. All we
need her for is to take some of her blood tissue... then we kill her!
Mwa ha ha ha ha...!"

And then Mr. X disappeared from view, followed by several men in white
coats carrying Edwyn and several older Relms. Leaving only one man
dressed in a white coat and one Relm, a disgusting parody of the cute
little girl Craxton knew, drooling and staring at him.

"What do you want, Relm-wannabe?" growled Craxton through gritted
teeth.

"i JJUSTE WAANTEED TOO SEYY Y YOU, CARXTAN. THENKE YEW FAUR DIFENDIING
MEY!!!!1!!1!!1!!1"

_Oh, great,_ Craxton thought to himself. A Newbieverb Relm. _Will
wonders never cease?_

"Look, Craxton," growled the more civilized man in a white coat, also
known as Agent 069. "Why do you go to the trouble of defending the
fooey little slut, anyway? After all, all she does good is sleep with
other people. That photo taken of her and Interceptor proves that! And
you know as well as I that she's FuSoYa's lover, 11 or not! What do
you see in her?"

"That photo was not proven to be a real photo, for one thing," Craxton
countered. "It was a frickin' Hentai picture. And there is absolutely
no proof whatsoever that she has ever slept with FuSoYa. Since Strago
died, he's been her legal guardian! Where do you come up with these
silly little rumors?"

"Believe me, we know," said Agent 069 knowingly. "We know."

"Ah."

"SAAAIIY, CARKTON!!!1!11!!!" wailed Newbierelm. "EIEI ELWAIYS BENE
WONDIRINNE... WHEY DOI I IGILTHC UP THI SCREAN INE FF3333???/?/??/"

Agent 069 turned irritably toward Newbierelm, obviously about to ask
her to shut the hell up. Craxton took this moment to act.

"LIT3!" cried Craxton, summoning a small bolt of lightning down on
Agent 069. Agent 069 fell backwards in surprise, dropping the gun
clattering to the floor.

"VANISH!" cried Craxton, pointing toward the gun. "X-Zone!"

"Damn you," cried Agent 069, leaping to his feet. "You're going to pay
for this one... I promise!"

With that, the secret agent ran forward at Craxton. Calmly, Craxton
raised his Crystal KnightSword and watched, semi-amused, as Agent 069
impaled himself on it.

Choking and coughing, Agent 069 fell back, eyes widening in surprise.

"It just goes to show you," Craxton said calmly. "That attacking a man
with a sword -- and I'm not talking a GFS sword -- when you're angry
is generally a bad idea."

The agent looked at Craxton as if he were confused, then a glimmer of
understanding entered his eyes. He nodded. "I'll remember that," he
gasped. Then he collapsed, dead.

"AIIIIIIIIIIIIII!!!11!!!1!1!1!!1!" screamed Newbierelm, running away.
"HEE KELLIED MIE AGINT FREIND!! HEEOLP!@!!1! HEEOLP NOOBEEREELM!
HEEOLP!!!@!!1!!1!!21!11!2!!!!!1!!1!"

And with that, Newbierelm had fled.

Standing there, out of breath, Craxton looked toward the floor,
minorly annoyed that the agent was bleeding all over his carpet, then
thought of Relm once again.

Relm, poor Relm. She tried so hard to be a sweet, cute little innocent
girl growing up... but these dysfunctional negative influences kept
showing up in her life. And now even Craxton had failed at defending
her. Where had all of the other Defenders been? Where was FuSoYa?

"I need to have a talk with some of the other so-called 'Defenders',"
murmured Craxton to himself. "They didn't lift a finger to help before
and they didn't help now. I'll give them another chance, though,
before renouncing their titles as simple lies. If I can get them all
together, perhaps we can form a rescue mission, and bring back Relm
into safety...."

"But, first," Craxton said, staring up at the moon evenly. "I need to
find FuSoYa."